im so jealous of your mad writing skillz >_____< Very emotional and really well written. Thumbs up!
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Youre great at creating atmospheres ^^
You have a pretty dynamic way of writing and despite that nothing epic happened it was still an interesting read

The story was all good and stuff, but it was a bit hard to read, not because you have a bad style of writing, in fact i think it's quite nice, but you could do with a bit more of punctuation :3 For example, putting a " around the senctences (altough you did it a few times) Is preferable to having to split between rows for each sentence, and makes it easier to pick up a dialogue instead of having to skim trough the whole text, and then you could have some more commas in there too. Imagine the sentence as a big cake, eating it whole is hard, but using commas is like splitting it into slices, making it easier to eat (weird comparison but you get the point) And learning to use commas does wonders to your style of writing, trust me :3 My facourite example of why commas are important is this little thing: