Not Strong Enough

[Sinami]

I woke with a start and clasped a hand over my mouth to stifle the shriek of complete agony that was working its way up my throat. Panicked I glanced beside me, afraid that I had startled Kozgugore awake as well, but he was sleeping soundly beside me...thank the ancestors. Every nerve in my body was tingling with pain and I curled up into a tight ball against Feraleye's side, hoping against all hope that making myself as small as possible would somehow make the pain go away. Of course that wasn't the case, but an orc can dream... My heart was beating frantically within my chest and my breathing came out shallow and rasping, as if I had been running for days without stopping...or perhaps like I had been screaming as loudly as I could for hours.

I don't know for how long I lay there, every muscle in my body pulled taut against the constant pain. Moment passed by moment and eventually I could smell the first scents of dawn on the wind. With the dawn came a sudden restlessness, an urge to run and run and run and never look back. Just... disappear. It would be so easy. Just climb down the mountain and take off. I had a wyvern now, we could fly wherever we wished and -no-one- would be able to follow our trail. But that was the easy way out, the coward's way...and wasn't that what I had worked all my life to prove? That I wasn't a coward? That I could be strong? So why couldn't I be strong enough to choose? Why did the mere thought of having to make a choice send lightning bolts of pain through my whole body, rendering me incapable of movement?

The weight of Kozgugore's arms around me was comforting and familiar and I allowed myself a moment to just admire him as he was sleeping. He'd moved in his sleep and his wolf mask had been pushed back far enough to reveal his face, something that, even for me, was a rarity to behold. Sleep had smoothed out his usual frown and lines of worry and he looked completely at peace. Innocent.
I brushed a few stray strands of hair away from his face, allowing my fingers to trail across his cheek in a gentle caress in the process. Wasn't that one of the things that pained me the most? That Feraleye was a complete innocent in this? He'd given me his heart freely, intentions pure, and while I loved him fiercely, I had only given him pain in return.

Suddenly the embrace felt almost suffocating and I struggled for a minute to break out of it without waking him. When I was free I crawled some distance away, wincing as the movement pulled at my injured foot. I sat down and hugged my knees tightly against my chest, bowing my head against the storm of emotions raging inside of me. But they weren't all mine, were they? I could feel the flavour of Srelok's emotions in there as well. By now I knew his emotions almost as well as my own and I could easily pick him apart from a crowd while being a good distance away. Right now I could feel his suffering, tightly entwined with my own, and the weight of it was slowly crushing me. A soft snarl of anger slipped out and I curled my hands into fists, my nails digging into my palms hard enough to draw blood. His stupid decision to distance himself from me in an attempt to break our bond had accomplished absolutely nothing... aside from more pain...for both of us.

A memory washed over me. I tried to close my eyes against it, ward it off, but it beat against my mind mercilessly and eventually I allowed myself to be swept away for the duration of a few heartbeats.

I was back in Nagrand. Kosh'harg was in full swing, but I had no interest in pursuing that night's entertainment. My sole focus had been to make Srelok talk to me again, something he had been refusing to do lately. He was standing in front of me, grumbling, and I remembered just snapping at him the first thing that entered my mind.
"So, this is how it's going to be from now on? We're not going to talk? Not ever?"
Amazingly I had gotten a response, even if he still refused to look at me.
"We're talking now. I have no further intentions to antagonise the chieftain. He's made it clear I should stay away from you...and he's right. You and he are together, maybe not mated, but I have no right to pursue you."
At this he had finally looked up and stared right at me, keeping me locked in place with his gaze.
"I love you, Sinami. Like I never loved anything in my life. There... the truth is out..."
The words had pierced my heart and rendered me unable to breathe for a few long moments. I couldn't even speak. I didn't know what to say. But once the truth lay between us Srelok had looked away again, looking more miserable than I had ever seen him before. It was heartbreaking. He spoke again.
" And that love is what causes all our problems..."
Somehow I had found the words to speak, but they came out barely above a whisper.
"...not just yours, Srelok. Not just yours...It might have been what started it all, yes... but it's a little bit more complicated than that now."
" What do you mean...? "
I had to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths before answering.
"You loving me might have sparked it all, but..."
The next words seemed to come out in a rush, and at the end of it I was breathing hard, panic surging through my body... but alongside it had also been relief. Relief to finally have the truth spoken out loud.
" ...I love you both, alright? It's not something I counted on or wished for, but there it is. The truth is out."

The rest of the conversation was hazy, but one other moment stood out with perfect clarity. I remembered staring intently at Srelok at one point, trying to commit his features to memory, when this strange urge had come upon me and pulled me forward. I hadn't been able to resist it and suddenly I had found myself cupping his face between my palms. I had leaned in very slowly, whispering "I'm sorry" before I had brushed my lips against his in the briefest of kisses. The kiss hadn't lasted for more than a few seconds and it had been feather light, but it had still sent a jolt of -something- through my body and my longing for him had increased tenfold.

I still have no idea what Srelok felt at that moment, but I do remember him holding me tightly for as long as the kiss lasted and I also remember that I didn't want him to let go. But in the end I had been the one to take a step back, to break the connection and not allow it to go any further than that.  It had been an incredibly selfish thing to do, but in that brief span of time I had been blissfully happy. All worries had melted away and there had been just us.

The lancing pain of the memory finally brought the tears to the fore and I had to use my cloak to muffle my desperate sobs. Another memory entered into my mind uninvited and I was just as helpless against it as I had been the first one. Once more I was pulled under.

A different time and dimension, but still the same place. Nagrand, with its rolling hills and rivers. Kozgugore and I were sitting together underneath the large tree... our tree. We were talking and our low voices were sometimes teasing and playful and sometimes thoughtful and serious. We were sitting close, leaned in towards one another, our bodies so close they almost brushed against each other. We didn't know each other very well then, but the tension and curiosity between us was almost physical enough to touch. We had been playing a game of questions and it had been Kozgugore's turn.
"Then my first question would be, what it is that compels you, to speak so freely to me. So unrestrained, as if we already knew one another?"
"That -is- a good question. And I can't rightly say... we may have gotten off on the wrong foot in the beginning, but despite that I feel... comfortable with sharing my thoughts with you. Which in itself is strange, since by my own rules and nature you'd be the first orc I'd try to hide my real self from, in an attempt to pass unnoticed and not give you a reason to turn me out of the tribe. But yet... here I am... doing the exact opposite."
"I hate to disappoint. But you -did- pass by noticed. -Very- noticed. If it goes against your nature so however..."
At that instant Kozgugore had moved his head just enough so that his lips brushed against my cheek as he spoke, the words just a whisper for my ears only.
"...perhaps we are simply not playing by your own rules and nature anymore."
"-Very noticed- even? And perhaps you're right and we're not playing by those rules anymore... or perhaps my nature is changing... or perhaps I just recognize something in you that pulls at me and challenges me to share my thoughts and feelings with you."
"You have gained my personal notice in you now, as well as my attention. So -perhaps- there is something that challenges me as well."
"But the question is... what is it that challenges us so? Because I'm not the only one to speak freely as if we already knew one another..."
"Some calls simply cannot be ignored. No matter how hard we might try to pull away from them. They tear at the heart. And once they have set their claws in it, they will not let go. Even if they perhaps do not make any sense."
"Do you want to pull away?"

Somehow the conversation had morphed from friendly and curious banter into something completely different, and I still didn't know how or why it had happened. It just.. did. Kozgugore had not wanted to pull away, instead he had pulled closer and whispered in my ear once again.
"Tell me what your call beckons for you to do."
"It...it beckons me to jump. To not run away. What does your call tell you to do?"
"It tells me to set my teeth in it and brace. To not let it or the opportunity it presents to me crawl away from me. And to jump along into the unknown, were that which I set my teeth into jump as well."
I remember lifting my hand and caressing his cheek very gently as I whispered my next words back to him, a challenge as well as a hope.
"So jump."

I was pulled back into reality, but the ghost of the kiss that followed that particular memory still lingered on my lips. The first kiss we'd shared. I silently cursed my mind for being weak enough to fall prey to these particular memories. They were sweet, but they were also a deadly trap. A trap I couldn't seem to get out of, no matter how hard I struggled. I was nowhere near making any sort of choice either way, but the longer I waited the more pain I would bring to both of them... all of us. It was a loop without end, it just went on and on and on...how would I ever be able to break free of it?

[Kozgugore]

Very lovely story! I enjoyed having a little insight in Sinami's inner thoughts and conflicts on the whole ordeal! \o/ Poor, silly orc though. It's like being taken hostage by a costume drama movie!

[Srelok]

The poor thing.

Lovely story though!

[Okiba]

I thoroughly enjoyed that. I do love a story of internal struggles... Why? Because theres always a climax/choice made. And that deserves another chspter... Just like this!

I love your style, and look forward to reading more!