Betrayal

[Sinami]

A continuation of this: Not Strong Enough

I should never have come back. The thought had been churning in my mind for days now, ever since I laid eyes on Srelok again. I thought my time away had helped me come to terms with everything that had happened, that I had finally been able to put it behind me and move on. I was confident and comfortable in my decision to stay with Kozgugore. My devotion to him was unwavering, and because of it I had thought things would just be able to go back to normal between Srelok and me… the way they had been before everything had happened. Perhaps it had been naïve of me to think that way, or perhaps I just didn’t want to acknowledge the feelings that I had shoved so far down that I barely noticed they were there most of the time…but they were. And once I saw him again they came roaring back to the surface with a vengeance. The force of it was like being crushed beneath a mountain and I cursed the day I had befriended him in the first place.

It didn’t help that being back put me in the incredibly painful and awkward situation of being assaulted by his unguarded emotions at every freaking hour of the day either. I had slammed up walls around my own mind to keep him out, to stop him from noticing my feelings and the difficulties I were having in trying to cope with being near him again. I had no idea if he noticed or even cared, his emotions hadn’t revealed anything in that regard, but at least it kept him from knowing my feelings. But I was nowhere near skilled enough to keep my own emotions from escaping and keep his emotions from breaking through the barrier again and again. I could just do one thing at a time and to me the most important thing seemed to be to keep Srelok from ever realizing how much being close to him hurt me.

Before coming back I had made a promise to myself that I would do my very best to be a good friend to Srelok, just the way I had been before everything had happened. I would be someone he could talk to, a shoulder to cry on, whatever he needed. But it was easy to think that when distance had dulled our bond into near nonexistence. When faced with the actual harsh reality that promise proved to be extremely hard to keep. But I would be damned if I couldn’t do at least that much. I could pretend, I could be understanding, I could be a friend…even if every time I tried a small part of me died.

I had realized a long time ago that I would love them both until the day I died, but coming to terms with that realization and facing the consequences of it were two entirely different things. I loved Kozgugore beyond reason and I couldn’t quite believe that he had offered me a mating bond despite knowing that my heart would always be torn in two. But he had and it only made me love him more. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt and inadequacy that came over me when I thought about it. He deserved better, he deserved so much more. If I could have eradicated Srelok from my heart completely I would have done it. I had tried to on countless occasions in the wilds, but it had proven to be both fruitless and painful. Having the bond between us being as broken as it was right now was painful enough… as if a piece of me was missing, as if I had torn off an arm or a leg. And I couldn’t bring myself to sever it completely, since that would surely kill me.

I knew the pain would have been just as awful if it had been the other way around, if I had chosen Srelok instead of Kozgugore. They were both vital parts of me that I just couldn’t lose. But for all our sakes, and for the happiness of both Srelok and Kozgugore I had to let one of them go. Or at least try to. Srelok deserved to be loved and cared for, just as much as Kozgugore did, and I had to let him go so that he could find it. It was the only way. Even if a part of me died over and over again just thinking about it.

But I would be strong and I would give Kozgugore everything I had, all I could offer, and I would try to be Srelok’s friend even if our previous closeness was gone forever. I would be strong and not let anyone see just how much it hurt me. It was the least I could do after everything I had put them both through after all.

My decision made I turned around in my bedroll and snuggled a bit closer to Kozgugore, nuzzling his neck with the tip of my nose. His scent a soothing balm for my frayed heart and emotions. Just being near him dulled the ache in my chest and I finally allowed myself to feel true happiness that we were finally embarking on our mating hunt. I’d be his, completely, now and always. And for now, for this perfectly blissful moment where it was just him and me, I could ignore the small part of my heart that shouted BETRAYAL.

[Srelok]

Great read, if a little heartrending. Moar!

[Sinami]

Thank you! It is supposed to be heartrending though, so that means I succeeded. ^^ Will write more when there is more to tell.

[Kozgugore]

Yay, finally some new stories from Sin! Loved the read, and lots of drama as per usual. I hunger for more!