Regrets (Kyrazha)

[Rhonya]

The cold wind found a way through my clothing as I sat on the protruding rock overlooking the snowy fields. It made me shiver, the cold taking place in my bones. I didn’t dare make a fire, not wanting to risk calling attention to myself high up here, with the undead wandering down below.  A soft growl was heard at my side, but it was a familiar growl. The orange with black striped furry head pressed itself against my cheek. 

“’Ello Lian… ‘Ad a nice ‘unt?” The tiger didn’t answer me, of course, apart from smearing his bloody muzzle against my cheek more, so I took that as a positive answer.

“At leas’ ya won’t judge me on me words, ‘mm? S’oul’ I apologize again, ya t’ink..? T’oug’… It was time someone put dis mirror in front of ‘im. We’ll see ‘ow stron’ ‘e truly is. Per’aps once ‘e’ll t’ank me fo’ it…” My fingers slid through the soft, orange fur as Lians deep rumbling sounded. A way of purring, though of course for such a big cat it sounded way more intimidating. He made himself comfortable against me, nice and warm. At least someone was here to keep me warm tonight.

Trakmar hadn’t understood me. Had tried to convince me Sadok was someone to be treated carefully, feeding his own lies, let him wallow in his self-pity. Was that truly the Orcish way? If so, I would honestly admit I understood even less of them than I thought.

I leaned back against the animal at my side, curling myself up against his shape, his warmth and the calming tremble of his chest as his purring continued. Trakmar could sleep alone tonight. I didn’t want to see him right now. Nor did I want to see Sadok, though I didn’t even know where he walked off to on his wolf last night. To be fair, I felt a pang of guilt in my chest at the thought of his face when I had said those things to him. His sudden quietness, not knowing what to say back to me.

But it had been unfair to keep continuing having him believe in those lies, the useless hope, the things he did not want to see. And to be fair, I was tired of being compared all the time to dead Orcs. First Keishara, Trakmars former mate… And now this Vashnarz, who I truly saw no similarities with apart from the things Sadok told me. But she hadn’t been like that at all, when I met her. So Sadok kept clinging to this old vision of a long gone female, a lie to himself.

I didn’t regret what I had done. Only regretted the fact he’d probably hate me now for the things I said, the truth. But someone had to do it… I would be the monster, if I had to. I was the oddball of the tribe anyway, the one not fitting in, the outsider, the Troll-Orc… They saw me more as Troll than a fellow orc, but I didn’t mind. It was true. The Trollish ways came much more natural to me. Made more sense to me even, at least it was more clear.

The wind picked up again, but now I was shielded from it by Lian. I hadn't been able to quickly find a more sheltered spot, these lands so full with enemies, things hiding around every corner that would try to kill me. My bow was within handreach, as well as my quiver of arrows, as always.
A deep sigh rumbled through Lians chest as I leaned against him. I moved my hand to scratch behind his ear with my claws and to my amusement he closed his eyes and the purring rose in volume. My own stomach added to the chore. I hadn’t eaten yet…Hunting would come in the morning. First, I’d focus on getting through this cold night.

Tomorrow was a new day.

[Rhonya]

The talk hadn’t really gone as I thought it would go. I had actually mend to try and make things right, but Sadok walking away from me when I appeared had put me right back on my former thoughts. Walking away from his problems, again.

My nose lifted into the air, and I sniffed in the cold. The scent was close… My feet moved almost as if of their own accord, having done this so often that it was almost a second nature. Avoiding twigs on the ground, stepping over small bumps so I wouldn’t trip, my body low an chest almost brushing the ground as my hands were on the cold soil as well. Bow and arrow in one hand, I crept closer.

He hadn’t really reacted to my pushes, not in the way I had thought he would do. I remember his face, the anger there, the loathing for me, his lip pulled up over his teeth in a snarl. It had looked intimidating, even on his face. But I had not backed down. Prodding for a reaction, a hit, a shout in my face, anything… No, he kept his calm anger and only slipped once, giving me a shove.

Prey was in sight now, right around the corner. An Elk. A majestic, large beast which would still kill me if I wasn’t careful. It hadn’t noticed me yet, grazing peacefully over the plains. An anger filled me still, making my hand tremble slightly as I lifted my bow, pulling back the arrow on the string, my hand close to my cheek as I aimed…

He hadn’t punched me. He hadn’t done anything to me. Apart from making me feel guilty. The choice he had made, so purely for everyone else, putting himself in a very hurtful position.. I couldn’t help but admire it, even though I was of opinion the reasoning was still wrong. When he had noticed my hesitation though, he’d pounced back at me like a predator just waiting for an opening of weakness. Throwing things back in my face… Not with fists, but with words. And somehow that hurt me more than when he would’ve just given me a good right hook.

The arrow flew and I was actually startled a moment, having released it on accident in my anger, thinking about his words. Damnit. I duck back in my hiding place, but the damage had been done. I’d hit the elk, but hadn’t killed it and I could hear the painful screams from where I was sitting. I’d have to finish him. When I looked around the corner, I cursed. No way I would be able to hit him with another arrow when he trashed around like that, the former arrow locked in his flank.
Dagger it was. I put my bow down, creeping forwards, dagger in hand. The elk smelled me now however, and instead of running away in fear, it came towards me in anger and pain, it’s eyes rolling wildly in their sockets. Running on defensive instinct only. Even more dangerous. I growled, my lips pulled back in a snarl, dagger clenched in my hand as I pounced. I didn’t have a moment to lose, this was getting dangerous.

“The truth. The truth is y'-are- right. I am the High Blade. I -am- far above y'. I know more than y'in life experience, I've accomplished things y'could only dream o'. An' y'dare t'look down on me, dare t'-pity- me.”

The words suddenly filled my mind… No, I had to focus. A hoof came my way as I managed to slice the underbelly of the Elk, rolling under him. I would wear him out, wound by wound, tiring him. The hoof missed me, blood dripping over my face as I rolled to safety, only to jump out again towards the panicking animal.

“Y'be Oathbound. An' I be Alpha. So I -command- y't'tell me yer vaunted -truth-.  Y'disobey my command? Do y'know who I am? Well, I know who y'are. Y'can't read. Y'can't write. Y'can't even get knocked up wi'out my help. An' yet y'turn on me an' call me a liar, an' a shell, an' send me out o'doors in pain. Y'like t'talk about the truth, but the truth be that y'be just a little girl wi'the bark o'a tiger an' no bite.”

Pain exploded in my head, my left eye filling with blood. I couldn’t see.. Shit, shit shit! I was too damn distracted! The Elk rose up above me, and only out of instinct did I somehow manage to plant my dagger in its chest without getting hit again. The twitching body fell to the side, away from me. I roared in pain, a hand covering my eye. Warm blood ran through my fingers, dripping down on the ground.

“Y'don't like it when it be about y'. It's much -easier- t'tear -my- walls down an' poke at -my- problems. What is it y'said? Grab yer problems by the throat? Y'can't even do the same yerself. Pathetic. Well, I'll do fer y'what y'didn't do fer me, then. I'll leave y't'lick yer psychological wounds, so the mean orc won't poke an' prod no more. Don't worry, yer problems be safe.”

My chest tightened, making it hard for me to breathe, warm liquid running down my face. Was it blood.. tears? I couldn’t suppress the painful sob ripping through me, only adding to the pain which was already flaming in my face. I suddenly looked down with my good eye on a puddle of water, not even remembering how I had gotten there. Fear gripping me, I removed my hand from the destroyed side of my face.

The first thing I noticed was that my eye was still there. I couldn’t open it due to the amount of blood running down into it, but the gash had missed it miraculously. The rest of my face however, hadn’t been so lucky… A deep gash started just under my hairline, down over my eye, my cheek, ending at my chin. The pain made me see white flashes in front of my eyes, my head swimming with Sadoks words and trying to not pass out. My hands trembling, I tried to wash some of the blood away, but it was useless, more just kept running down. I had to go back to camp, get someone to help me..

The den. Trakmar.

[Okiba]

amaze-balls! more please!

[Rhonya]

((As things keep happening, stories will keep coming! Kyrazha is getting more and more troubled by the day. Just one full of thoughts this time!))


The peaceful looking face of Trakmar lay next to me in the den we had made for ourselves, dug into the ground and covered with pelts and furs. It was a very snug and cozy hideout and normally I slept perfectly fine in there, curled against my mate, Rokarna in our midst, the tigers keeping the side warm… A perfect family, one would say.

Though this night… I couldn’t sleep. I reached out my finger towards Trakmars worn out face, following the lines of his scars, his tusks. He didn’t look troubled at all, sleeping deeply. I wish I could have said the same about myself. My head still pounded and every time I moved it too fast, it felt like daggers stabbed itself into my skull over and over again. The wound itself wasn’t as bad anymore, Nograx his paste, whatever it had been, had done a good job. I had not dared looking at my reflection yet, but I could feel the skin had closed, the wound now just a thin line of burned scar tissue with stitches.

I still couldn’t wrap my head around what had happened the day before, though. It was all so fuzzy, pain everywhere, my head constantly hurting. Somehow, I’d made a big mess out of things. An apology had somehow turned into a kiss and a tornado of feelings raging through me. I had felt strongly about him before, but I thought it was just my anger, though later a respect when I learned the full story. I thought I hadn’t felt anything that time of the fertility ritual and his hands painting my naked skin. My body however had not agreed with my mind and turned it into lust yesterday, something I had not been able to resist.

A deep sigh was heard and a moment I thought Trakmar was waking up, until I realized I had been the one sighing. Was I really this weak… It would seem so, seeing there had been a second kiss. Some urge had taken over me, some primal need to keep him happy and safe. He had admitted to me it wasn’t because I reminded him of his former mate. That second kiss… It had all come together there, the feelings, the longing…. But also the guilt.

His words rang though my mind. “Y'already made me... happier than I've been fer a... long time. Y'made it better. Even if just fer... a couple o'minutes.”

The guilt was two sided. Guilt to Trakmar, that I had broken my oath to him, my loyalty, even though.. it had just been a kiss. I couldn’t suppress my wild side any more than he could, and right now it was pulling me straight to Sadok. The other side of the guilt was that I’d given Sadok a false hope. Knowing after our fights how incredibly hurt he already was, I’d suddenly make him feel that lust again, that happiness as he said. But he thought it couldn’t be.

They didn’t know. They didn’t know I had heard them talking about what to do now, about the plan Sadok had made up to push me away from him and drive me back into Trakmars arms. The only problem was that he was hurting himself incredibly with the whole thing, putting himself on the side of everything once again, not caring for his own personal happiness. It hurt me as well.
So here I was, not sleeping, actually fearing the next few days and what was going to happen. I wasn’t used to this feeling, normally my heart would lead me on and I would do whatever I wanted.

But now…

[Rhonya]

I didn’t know where I had ran to… The moment he had struck me, I had known it was over. The blame was on me, I knew it… Hence I had not moved when I saw the struck coming, the open claw, though surprise rippled through me when he actually hit me. I deserved it, but still. I fought to remain standing, my head whipping to the side as his nails slashed open my cheek, the skin ripping easily due to his sharp claws.
And then he had walked away.

I was sitting on a rock now, staring down at some yellowish pulsing crystal, feeling… nothing. No, that was a lie. I did feel. A lot, actually. Guilt, regret, pain, but also relief. Relief I had managed to tell Trakmar, relief I had finally made the choice. Would he stay? It would be hard for all of us, but not impossible.

My hand moved to my bare stomach, smearing blood out over it on accident which had come from my face, sticking to my hands. My father had told me he felt a spirit there, life, growing, ever slowly. It hadn’t made my choice any easier, only harder. We finally managed to get me pregnant. And then I did this to him. It wasn’t fair, no.

The hand moved up into my hair instead, pulling at it, as if to just cause a different kind of pain to distract me from the pain I felt in my guts. I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself for this, what I had done to him. But it had been my choice and now I would have to carry the consequences, the burden and the pain. I wouldn’t put it on Sadok, he didn’t deserve it. It hadn’t been his fault.
A growl welled up in my throat as fresh tears pulled stripes through the red liquid on my face. More scars… It seemed it was all I was getting, these days. Scars. Either physically, or mentally.

I let myself slip off the rock I was sitting on, opening my eyes and looking around. Lian was next to me, a comforting presence even though he couldn’t talk. He felt my sadness, my pain. And now he followed as I started to walk, step by step, in a random direction, trying to find my father. I was happy he was here. I would have to try and find Sadok soon too, to warn him. To tell him. I’d seen the hurt in Trakmars eyes, the anger, and I didn’t think he had let it all out on me.

Feeling rather numb, I continued my walk. What I felt most, about this whole situation?

Regrets…

[Rhonya]

((Due to nudeness in a spoiler!))

Spoiler: show

A moment for myself. I was enjoying it, taking the time to bathe, wash everything off my body and cool down. The water rippled around my legs, the stream gently passing by my feet. The current wasn’t as strong here where I was standing, and I’d made sure there were no Crocolisks nearby either. This was my morning moment, for me alone. At least, for now… Perhaps I’d take Sadok one day to include him in my morning ritual whenever there is water nearby. I had not always managed to get Trakmar with me, at least..

The name brought a pang of guilt to my stomach again. We’d spoken… But all he could talk about were things he might have done wrong in the past, other mates, former lovers I had nothing to do with and wanted nothing to do with. Things he perhaps should have done different. I knew he must be confused and hurt, but… I wasn’t in any position of being able to help him. He still hoped I’d come back to him…

As I moved to splash some water in my face, letting it run down my body, I examined myself. Only some small spots here and there, the only reminder just me being slightly sore. Sadok had looked… way worse. I couldn’t go back now anymore. Sadok had said it, and I knew it to be right.

"I'll do anythin' fer y', as long as y'be willin' t'do anythin' fer me. Y'can't go back t'him now even if y'want t' -- y'be -mine- now."

A light shudder went through me which I would have loved to blame on the cool water sloshing around my legs, but it would be lying to myself. We’d shared furs for the first time…And it had been a game of teasing and testing, but he’d given me free reigns. I had hurt him, wounded him. But when he fell asleep afterwards, I saw his face and it was… calm. Actually sleeping there in my arms, looking very tired. And frail. Yes, he looked very frail.. Not something I was used to, but his strength just didn’t lay in his body, but in his mind. And I respected that.

Seeing him like that had only awoken a different feeling in me though, something that had also come forwards when he challenged Trakmar to strike him. Protection. I could be his shadow, his shield, for the blows his body couldn’t handle. My instinct. Even though it also had a side I was constantly fighting against. That wild side, the scratching and biting. I didn’t want to scare him off..

“I won' move from ya arms until ya wake up. Promise. Go sleep..”

I had kept my promise.. I had only moved when he woke up, and made him breakfast even. His words after my promise had surprised me though, but they had also given me a very warm feeling…

“Thank y'... I......I love y'.”

Tinged with guilt, though.. Thinking of Trakmar, now alone with Rokarna in their den… My hands clenched a little as I looked at my own reflection down in the water, the ripples distorting the image a bit but I could still see my features clearly. The burnmark on one side, the claw marks on the other. Both memories of failure. Both memories of hurt. The first my own fault for hurting Sadok before I knew the full truth and running off to go hunt.. And the second for hurting Trakmar. In a way, they had both left a mark on me, visible for everyone. How symbolic, both on either side of my face.

Ironic, more like it…

[Rhonya]

It was dark in the cave, but I could still see his face clearly. Sleeping, snoring softly. He looked… content. Tired, but content. The trip here must’ve been hard for him, I could imagine. The jungle wasn’t easy to move through, especially not the way we took to the place we were staying for now. But he had kept to his word, and he’d made it up, only falling once. It had been a nice first evening. Apart from that one sentence, nagging in the back of my mind.

“...I... do wish that cub were mine. I wish I'd knocked y'up there an' then.”

He’d spoken it without much thought, but… He had meant it. Somehow the words had hurt me though and I wasn’t concentrating much anymore the rest of the evening. Perhaps it had been a part jealousy for him, that he had helped me with that ritual, only to send me off to Trakmar afterwards, resulting in now a cub growing inside me, while so much had suddenly changed in the last few weeks. The cub wasn’t Sadoks… And he obviously felt bad about that.

I looked at him a few moments longer before moving out from under his arm, standing up without waking him, a sigh escaping my lips. I needed some time for myself. Without looking back, I walked out of the cave, tugging on some of my armor again, slinging my bow over my shoulder, my quiver on my back. I started the climb over the mountains, towards a certain place.

It had taken me a little while to get there, avoiding Ogres, raptors and other predators alike, knowing my way through the jungle well enough not to get noticed, sneaking through the dark and damp undergrowth and hiding in the shadows of the trees. It wasn’t long before a familiar shape appeared behind me, announcing himself with a low growl. Lian always managed to find me somehow, just like I always had this distant feeling of where he was wandering, if it wasn’t too far away. Now I was actually happy to have him beside me, as I looked down, standing on the edge of a protruding rock. It was a long way down…
Waterfalls rushed down past similar outcrops of rocks on all sides of me, rumbling, the water almost sounded angry as it disappeared into the huge whirlpool down below. For a moment I forgot about Sadok’s words, memories from a few years before flooding my mind…



My legs pumping, I ran like I had never run before, like my life depended on it. In a way, it had. Next to me was the big, looming shape of a Troll, wearing robes and feathery armor, his normal calm face a mask of worry and fear, which made me even more scared of what was going on. The ground was shaking, the earth groaning.
I’d awoken just before to the noise, the light tremble of the ground and my father’s hand shaking me awake, motioning for me that we had to move. I’d just looked at him in confusion.
“Wat’s goin’ on?”
The Troll who adopted me all those years ago didn’t answer, merely took my hand and dragged me up to my feet, pulling me along, pushing me if I faltered or got behind, and trying to keep up with his long legs.

Now, everything was falling apart around us. Trees got pushed up from the ground, suddenly falling over, and clumps of earth flying around our ears. Multiple times I had to jump to the side to avoid falling branches, or rocks coming down from the mountains we passed. We were running north, to the dark woods. My father’s face however, told me we might not even make it that far. Running, I just kept running, panting and trying to keep breathing, nearly tripping a few times due to the roots of the trees coming up, the earth crumbling under our very feet. We didn’t know what was happening, what was going on, all we knew was to flee, further north, where it might be safe.

The moment we got close to Grom’gol however… The earth just cracked open. Split like ripe fruit with a crack that nearly deafened me. Suddenly I was pushed to the ground, something heavy leaning on me. I struggled, before I realized it was Qa’ajn who was pushing me down flat on my stomach, trying to keep his balance as the violence continued. He said something, but I couldn’t hear him over the noise and the rumbling in my ears, and I couldn’t see what was going on. A rushing sound joined the cracks and groans of the earth and I let out a low whimper of fear, confused and scared, trembling as my father held me.

I’d never been so afraid in my entire life. It felt like the whole world was just breaking apart around us. A sudden shake brought Qa’ajn off balance and the comforting weight disappeared for a moment. In that split second, the earth suddenly just disappeared from under me, rocks falling down around me. I could see again what was going on, though I didn’t have much time to look around before I started slipping, the ground I was sitting on no longer supporting me.
Qa’ajn tried to reach for me from the higher ledge he had managed to climb on, and our fingers touched a moment as I desperately tried to grab his hand. Another violent shake. Another crack. And I was suddenly falling.
My scream was drowned out by the noise, rocks falling around me, with me…until my leg hit something and I grabbed it on instinct.

A tree root, stuck in the side of the now protruding rock. I looked down and nearly let go of shock. Under me, was only water. A whirlpool of trees, rocks, foam-- the land that had been here moments ago just gone, washed away. I clung to the root with all my strength, panicking. Was I going to die here, fall down, drown? Or perhaps I’d get hit in the head first by one of the trees or rocks, dragging me down further.
No, I shouldn’t think like that. Survival was what I knew, what I had always done.
Qa’ajn looked down at me over the edge of the rock, the earth still giving the occasional rumble, as if spasms of pain went through it after breaking apart first. His face was full of fear, and he called out to me. Not in voice, but in my mind, as he did sometimes. His voice was soothing, trying to hide the fear for me, to keep me calm. He filled me with a feeling, an urge to climb, while soothing and calm sounds filled my head. It helped me focus on him.
Slowly I started to pull myself up, using my long claws and bare feet to find my footing on the rocks, the small crevices and cracks supporting me as I slowly but surely got closer. Lying on his stomach, Qa’ajn reached out for me with both arms, relief washing over his face as his hands closed around mine and he effortlessly lifted me up on the ledge, pulling me back against the rock, holding me in his arms against his chest.

My whole body was trembling, my arms and fingers numb from the climb, bleeding from the sharp rocks. My father just held me close, letting me calm down, sitting crouched against the edge with me in his lap. Things had gone quieter now again, the whole thing almost over as suddenly as it had started.

I didn’t know what happened. What had caused this sudden wave, the earth breaking, taking so much with it, so many lives lost… Perhaps we would find out later.



I stood on a different spot now than where I had fallen, but I could see the place on the other side. I had passed it getting to this outcrop of land. Now it was just me, sitting here, Lian at my side, leaning his head on my lap while I absent mindedly raked my fingers through his fur. I hadn’t visited this place since I had left, and perhaps coming alone here first had been a good idea… Though this place reminded me about not giving up, about surviving.

Showing Sadok my pain and insecurity was still a bit of an issue for me. I trusted him, yes, but we had only been together for a little while now, even though we were off for our mating hunt at the moment. He seemed so happy, being here with me… I let out a low growl, Lian looking up slightly before closing his eyes again. My mind was still elsewhere though, back to my pregnancy. I wanted to give Trakmar this cub… But he’d been so distant lately, even after promising me he would help me take care of this child and being there when it would be born.

I couldn’t change how things were. I’d have to find a way to deal with it. And hope Sadok wouldn’t be too hurt seeing my body grow with the child that wasn’t his, but could have been if things perhaps might have gone differently.

I stood up, giving Lian a shake so he would stand up and follow me. Back to the cave. Back to the Orc I could soon call my mate. Back to the warmth of his skin against mine. I needed him. Just to hold me close, and to be there for me. And he would be, I knew.

[Sadok]

((Really enjoyed that story, along with the others, of course! I sometimes forget that the Cataclysm was really a big deal for the characters that lived through it. <.<))

[Rhonya]

The waterfall next to me nearly drowned out every other sound as I took my morning bath. My back was to the shore and I wasn’t really paying much attention to things around me. Normally this would be incredibly foolish, in a place like this, but I knew Sadok was nearby and he’d warn me if something would approach. I needed this moment for myself.
Things had started out so good this week, finally seeing the place again where I grew up in, together with the one I loved and showing him all those special places of my youth. Though now, my head was filled with thoughts, doubts, regrets, pain. Running into Trakmar on accident hadn’t done much good, to both parties. The Blood wolves had not chased us off, neither had the Gurubashi Trolls, who actually seemed to welcome the strangers in their jungle and arena for this evening. Perhaps some things had changed after all.

I moved to the small waterfall, sitting under it, letting all the water fall down harshly on my back and shoulders. It stung, but I didn’t care. The pain wasn’t much worse than what was going through my chest. Talking to Trakmar had been a wrong decision. He’d only twisted the knife in the wound again, while I had been trying to slowly make it all heal. Now, it was bleeding again, festering in my mind. My hand moved to my stomach, my eyes closing.

Nothing.

I couldn’t feel anything, no matter how hard I tried. No bump yet, no life, nothing to tell me something was actually there, while I knew Qa’ajn would have never lied to me when he told me he did feel a presence there. I didn’t feel anything yet for this thing in my stomach, because there â€"was- nothing to feel yet. The only thing I did notice was the realization that so far, this thing in my stomach was only causing more pain, more distress, more breakdowns, without even being something visible.

The talk yesterday… I had relieved Trakmar of his promise he would be there for me, thinking it was the only thing I could actually do, give him his freedom. But in a way, his sister who’d also been there, had been right. No matter how many promises I would undo, there would always be a leash between us, binding us together. This child. This thing, which was nothing yet.

She had proposed I would deliver the child, and give it away to him. But I couldn’t bear that thought, her raising my child instead of me, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she did convince Trakmar that it was best the cub would never know of me then. She’d always had an influence on Trakmar, he listened to her, because he still loved her, once saw her as potential mate, as he’d told me once. That love went beyond blood brother and sister. He never even stopped her words, telling me I had already showed I didn’t care for him at all, that it wasn’t my right to keep this child and raise it while being with Sadok. I could always get more cubs with my new mate, she had said. As if this one didn’t mean anything.

Anger filled me again, making me clench my teeth, ball my fists as the water continued to beat down on my back and my neck. Sadok still wished the child was his. Trakmar felt bound to me while he didn’t want to, while seeing me every time with Sadok only hurt him. I was hurt because of the torn feeling this gave me every time, still stuck between the two males due to this child.

A thought went through my head. A thought that should have never crossed my mind, for it was…cruel. But it actually made sense. I opened my eyes, looking down at my stomach. Nothing there. What if there was indeed â€"truly- nothing there? What if I had an accident, taking the thing away that caused so much pain, so much hurt, that wasn’t my mate’s, the thing that everyone now actually only considered a burden, a problem. I could fix the problem. Easily.

As I thought more about it, the more suitable it seemed to me. Find a way, take the burden away, Trakmar would be free to go where he wished without any ties apart from his bloodoath to the tribe. Sadok wouldn’t have to feel bad about it not being his. And I would be free of being this torn. It had more positive outcomes than negative ones. My father had told me of such situations before, if a Trollish female would get knocked up by a male she didn’t want any children from, and she managed to escape, they would sometimes also make sure it didn’t come past the first months.
It would have to be a secret I couldn’t ever share with either one of them. An accident. It had to be an accident.

My mind started to work overtime, some ideas forming in my head…

[Rashka]

Uhoh D: Keep 'em coming!

[Rhonya]

It was done.
There was no way back anymore, no way to reverse it, and to be honest, I didn’t want to. It was better like this. At least, that was what I kept telling myself, the time I was sitting in our cozy little camp, Sadok sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I tried, but the feeling kept going through me, that small pang I had felt in my stomach.

After Sadok had fallen asleep, I’d snuck out carefully, leaving Lian to watch over my loved one. He would warn me, should anything happen or if someone would come near the place who wasn’t supposed to be there. Could never be too careful here. I’d made my way to where I knew Qa’ajn would be, climbing up the hillside until I reached him. He asked me if I was still sure about this… I pondered a moment, but I had already made my decision, or else I wouldn’t have come here. Now was the early stages. I wouldn’t have the guts for it anymore in a few months, I knew. So it would have to be now, or never.

Ironically enough, Qa’ajn and me had spoken earlier that day, about him helping me. He had explained to me if we gave a soul to the Shadow Loa, like he would do if he did the procedure, we also had to gift something to the Light ones… So either save something, or create something new. My first choice had been to find a seed and plant a tree, and make sure it grew big and strong. But, Sadok foiled that plan.

Qa’ajn had given him a mushroom, and he had gone off ‘chasing’ fish in the river, that were not even there. Thereby hitting his head when he jumped off a waterfall. I remember the blood, the huge gash on his head, the feeling of not knowing what to do, how to help him. But Qa’ajn had been near, and had saved his life… Spirits stayed spirits, so he had told me the Loa of the Light pantheon would be pleased anyway, no matter if we saved an orc or a troll.  So unknowingly, Sadok had given us the counter sacrifice already…

I was ready. I told my father, and he motioned for me to lie down on my back, moving some of my armor so my belly was bare. I looked up into the sky. Would I feel something? Qa’ajn just shrugged at my question and sliced open his palm with a tusk, before starting to draw on my stomach with the blood. I couldn’t suppress a shiver. I could still stop him now.

No. I wouldn’t. This would solve more problems than it caused. We’d get over it. All three of us. Time would heal all wounds. So I let him continue.

Rain started to fall down as the ritual began. Qa’ajn placed his hands on my stomach, and I closed my eyes. I didn’t feel much, apart from the drops of rain falling on my skin, partly sheltered from it by my father leaning over me. Then, suddenly, I â€"did- feel something. A pulling feeling, near my stomach, one pang of pain… and it was gone. I squeezed shut my eyes even more, not wanting to see. I didn’t want to see. I didn’t have to see. Only when my father stood, I opened my eyes again and sat up.
Raindrops rolled down my cheeks. Or were they tears…? I didn’t know.
Tears for the child I’d never know. But I had no regrets. Not yet. This wasn’t over yet, my body would react the shell in a little while, though I didn’t know how long that would take. It would look like a normal miscarriage… Blame it to the stress, everything that had happened. My father held his arms out to me and I hugged his soaked form. At that moment the rain stopped again.. How fitting.

Softly he spoke to me, telling me to go back. Go back to Sadok, and forget this had ever happened. I nodded, and took my leave.

I don’t think I could forget it. But for everyone else, I would. They’d never know. I wouldn’t let them know. This was mine to keep, my burden to bear. And I’d bear it gladly.

[Rhonya]

The unlucky plainstrider was still lying beside me as I sat in the door opening of the hut I shared with Sadok. Its throat was ripped out messily, a puddle of blood gathered under it on the floor as dead eyes stared accusingly at me. Through me, almost, it felt like. I had hunted it in my anger, bitten through the soft skin under the beak, but it hadn’t calmed me down. In fact, the blood had only edged me on. My bow was within hand reach, as well as three arrows marked with red stripes.
Poisoned arrows. It was still mainly dark outside, the stars visible above me as I kept my watch, looking out over the plains of the Barrens, scouring the long grass for any movement. My whole body was tense; as it had been for the past hours I’d kept watching the outside world.

Sadok was sleeping behind me, a restless sleep as he kept mumbling softly to himself and even groaning in pain once in a while. I couldn’t blame him. Another four teeth knocked out due to Trakmars fault, who had now even set his own barely adult daughter up to him. I had never had much of a relationship with Krala, the half Draenei, but from the times I’d met her she’d been easily manipulated, a shy and jumpy little thing. So I wasn’t surprised actually when I found out it had been Trakmar telling her to ‘stand up for herself’ against an insult that… had not even been an insult.

I kept watch. Should Trakmar even dare come here, or send his daughter, I wouldn’t hesitate to shoot either of them. Even with my poisoned arrows. My love for him was completely gone now, replaced by a seething hate, a hate at the fact he chose to keep bothering me and my new mate, even using others.  Sadok had been through enough, he didn’t deserve this. If there was anyone who deserved to take his pain, it was me, because it was my fault he’d gotten into this situation. But sadly Trakmar chose to still blame the wrong one, probably in his eyes the weaker one. At least weaker in body. It was sad…

I actually felt like I’d never fully known Trakmar now, the things he was doing, the oaths he had wanted to remake. He’d sounded so honest about it when he had asked me to take the oath with him, but he’d broken them again only a week later. I figured oaths must mean nothing to him, these days, also adding the fact he kept talking about going away. I tried to keep him with the tribe, first, with all my might, but now… Now he could go and get lost and die, for all I cared. The only one I felt pity with, was Rokarna and to an extent , Krala, for being so used.

A light shiver ran through me as I sat there, watching, ever alert, every smell around me known and familiar. Sounds of small animals around me, Lian’s light breathing as he kept his spot next to the hut. Sadoks murmuring behind me, sleeping.  My mate now, in the eyes of the ancestors too, as we had completed our oaths on the Echo Isles, even though our mating hunt had been cut short. I had shoved the memories aside of the miscarriage, the pain of being hurt by that ghost when I had fallen, the sight of all that blood covering me when I’d awoken… I had stuffed those painful things into a corner of my mind. To be forgotten, to be gone. Sadok had promised he would grant me a new child. One of us two together, to raise and to love, and I wanted nothing more.

So I would keep watch until Trakmar was dealt with. Exiled or punished, perhaps allowed to stay or not. I would keep watch. If he so much as dared to point a finger at Sadok with wrong intents, I â€"would- shoot him.

That I had promised.